Poem #2 April 2, 2013

Why do I feel empty today

Like a hollow vase

Without watered carnations

On a springtime gaze

 

Fill me

I want to feel complete

Not be in such defeat

From the darkened leeches

That pull me into the deep

 

Where has my love gone?

It has been wasted away

By the imprints of my dismay

 

I can only weep

For the heart I wronged

For so long

I ignored

The you that was

Underneath.

 

Poem #1 April 1, 2013

The tears ran down my face
Onto the veins of the Earth
With every drop watering
The ground with love
As the core of her heart
Began to beat again

I am alive she said
Awakened by the suffering
You have carried in your bones
You are free to live
Free to give

In light of it all
I am not afraid
To look back upon
The past
With it’s lovely
Complexion

No more darkened skies
But only rosy cheeks
And lightened beats
Until I fall asleep

Thank you for your courage
Thank you for your heart
My blood pumps
My heart beats
Because of the strength
You will always keep.

Fear

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To ultimately overcome our fears we must come to understand them. I have learned to look at fears with curiousity, with empathy. We make fear more powerful when we run away from it. Fear gives us discomfort, it makes us feel different…but why runaway from a change that will lead to greatness. Just for that moment in time where we run toward our fear we feel such pain, but we gain strength when we are no longer afraid.

I am afraid to love because I am afraid to lose and get hurt. Dealing with early losses in my life has caused me to be paranoid and distrustful toward others. My immediate thoughts when I enter any type of relationship is if they are going to leave, are they going to hurt me, or are they not going to love me anymore. When I think these thoughts, I make these things happen because I am setting myself up for failure. Our fears torture us day to day making us think we can never face the fear, but it is all in our heads. We as humans are really capable of anything, we can overcome these fears that have dominated our lives! If we stop to look at it and stop running, we see a scared little child inside needing some guidance and love. Maybe you were not loved the way you wanted to at a young age, or given the respect and treatment you deserved, but no one can give that to you now; only you can. I was deprived of love and felt neglected, but it was not my fault and certainly not theirs either. And I grew up to be doubtful of love, to doubt the trust of my loved ones because of what I felt in the past. However, I know these fears and doubts are unrealistic, they are not true to how my life is at this moment. If there is no one to give it to you, remember you are the core of your own happiness. The beauty of who you are within has been suppressed by our misery, suffering, or past experiences, but as we learn to love and trust ourselves and others we are free to shine. Our beauty and happiness will arrive as we come to terms with our pain.

Pain gives us the opportunity to take chances, to take risks, to make mistakes, and later learn from it. We cannot gain courage if we do not have anything to overcome. We all have the tools to be free from fear; we can care, empathize, give, understand and love.

I did not want to let go of the pain, I did not know how to forgive, but it was destroying me and my relationships with people I loved, my insecurities came up again and again as I questioned the ones who loved me so much. If I wanted to change and learn to be happy, I had to let go of the past, let go of the hurt I held on to for so long.

As you take a long look at yourself and your life, start thinking about what you want. If you choose to have a better life for yourself, believe you are capable of doing it and more because I have NO DOUBT you are able to reach your dreams even if everyone else thinks it’s impossible. Others are not living your life, only you are. So take those steps to be where you want to be by enjoying all the things at this very moment.

All the puzzles will fall into place when you believe in yourself, love, and life.

Losing myself

Sometimes I feel utterly lost like there is no where else to go. My thoughts run wild with fear, anger, and sadness all at the same time. I try to find a drop of courage left but it is hidden underneath all my suffering. I see my world a certain way, and all I can see is what can be improved, or what we could do to have a better world. I cannot see the world for what it is and the world cannot see me for who I really am. I’v been hiding a side of myself I did not want the world to see because I was afraid I would not be accepted. I was afraid not to be seen as “normal” like everyone else. Because I was so afraid I began living in a delusional world acting like someone who wasn’t me, and that is why I am so lost. I become conflicted because I am not listening to my heart, instead I choose actions that contradict who I am. I know for me to be happy, I need to reveal to the world the true me even if I am criticized, judged, or belittled.

I am uncertain of the future and how everything will turn out, but I know I want to be ME when I am doing it. If I make mistakes, take wrong turns, choose the wrong friends or lovers, I don’t want to blame others, I want to take responsibility for my actions and accept life as it is. Because if I don’t, I will be avoiding and suppressing life itself. I will learn to accept who I am and give the world everything I was born to do; I might not know what it is now but I will soon enough. My challenge is to be myself, it may seem simple, but being exposed to the world in raw form is not so easy. However, in the end it will all be worth it because as you begin loving yourself as who you are, everyone will too, and so will your life.

Hello world!

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Have you been so afraid you become stuck in time, space, emotion or thought? You freeze from fear and can’t yet move on. We all have fears small or large, but whatever fears they are it is important to understand them. There is a reason why we become idle, there is a reason we choose not to overcome our fears. All in all, we have a choice, meaning we also have the choice to overcome our fears. I know I’ve tried to understand my own anxiety; I am afraid to fail, afraid to succeed, afraid of strangers, heights, and most of all love. Why I am so afraid? I didn’t know until I looked inside myself and found all the answers. I explored my past, a past I wanted to forget but later understood I must accept. If I wanted to move on with my life I needed to look within and see what was stopping me, and the only thing stopping me was ME.

As I learn to try to understand myself I hope you will try to learn something about yours as well. American society is filled with distractions widely fed by the media and internet; it takes control of us sub consciously causing us to lose focus. We need to be mindful and aware of what is happening in our world and to us for us to change. I hope we can stray away from our own hindrances and look beyond to a better US (no pun intended :) ). We can all improve ourselves but it will take time and lots and lots of effort. We cannot give up on who we are, because we are still learning who we truly are behind all of our facades. We don’t need to fall into our same routines or habits; we need to face our fears so we are able to build on that courageous heart we’ve always had in all of us.

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